A Vampire film review, two movie reviews, and a partridge in a pear tree.

I wrote a review for Park Chan-Wook's Thirst over at Metropol!

I should ask them if they're going to have an archive or if I should archive the reviews under a Metropol-branded blog...

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Over the past couple of weeks, I saw two Judeo-Christian related Apocalypse films: The Book of Eli from the Hughes Brothers and Legion from Scott Stewart. Let's start with the first one of the two I saw, The Book of Eli.

The Book of Eli has a simple enough premise: a man is walking through post-Nuclear War America on his way West to deliver a book to a gentle, caring society who won't abuse it. Gary Oldman's Bad Guy is desperate to own the book because of its power over the soul. No shock here, the book is the Holy Bible (King James version.) It's so valuable to Gary Oldman's Bad Guy because every single copy was burned in the aftermath of the America-ending war. While that's an intriguing idea that was never truly explored to its fullest (the religious impact on war with Christianity being the religion at fault), it's also absolutely and completely implausible.

I have a great capacity to suspend my disbelief, but I live in America. There's no flippin' way every single copy of the Bible in America had been burned. And when would these Bibles be burned? I mean, if it was in reaction to the bomb, who'd actually care enough to burn books, especially the Bible during a time when the Believer's faith would be most tested and religion would come to the forefront? Personally, I'd be more concerned about continuing to survive if I'd survived the actual explosion. If the Bible-burning happened before the bomb that ended the world as we Americans knew it, then what the hell was the fight about? The film just doesn't make sense.

As for casting, I was mostly excited to see Denzel Washington kick some butt and be a bad ass anti-hero (yes, I knew it was about the Bible before I watched it, but one can hope), but the final twist on his character ruined the whole thing for me. Gary Oldman's character was interesting, but underdeveloped, and Jennifer Beals wasn't given much more to do than be the hot blind mother to Mila Kunis' really annoying character.

The reviews in the trailers don't lie, though. It's a visually stunning work. It's just too bad that it's wasted on a flick that doesn't rise to its own aspirations.

And now, the second flick: Legion from Scott Stewart. In this one, God's disgusted with humanity so on His Son's birthday, He sends His angels to wipe all of us out, including the as-yet unborn baby of an unwed mother living in the middle of the desert. Yeah. One angel refuses to follow orders, the Archangel Michael (played with nearly overwhelming gravitas by Paul Bettany), and he falls to earth and chops off his wings to free himself of God's Collar (I guess it was God's collar, but it didn't prevent him from Falling to earth) so he can steal lots of high powered weaponry and an LAPD police car and drive into the desert to protect the spoiled, whiny pregnant chick.

*sigh*

Okay, look, I'm all for interesting and exciting ways of looking at Judeo-Christian mythology. A Hammer Fell in Jerusalem: Anathema (and the novel I'm working on from which it comes!) with its take on the Grigori and the idea of warrior Priests that wield guns AND swords should be plenty enough proof of that. Legion really needed another pass or two in the writing stage. The dialogue is stilted and the action tends to start and stop abruptly so they can explain to the audience what's happening...far too much exposition especially considering how quickly the people in the diner adapt to the idea that God has sent Angels to destroy mankind, like it happens every day.

Also, they're angels. ANGELS. There isn't enough ammo in the world to kill all of the angels, especially not when Gabriel comes to do what Michael was supposed to, kill the child - humanity's last hope. That battle, Michael and Gabriel, is, well...ridiculous, but no more so than the rest of the movie.

For all of the crap in the film, there were some good ideas, the sorts of things one doesn't see too often even in genre pics: angels possessing humans, the violent side of angels. And I like the design of the angels with the shark teeth.

Look, just go rent The Prophesy, the one with Christopher Walken (as a far better Gabriel), Eric Stoltz, Viggo Mortensen (in one of my favourite portrayals of Satan), Virginia Madsen, and Elias Koteas. It's an excellent flick.

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And, finally, http://www.flickr.com/photos/coulter/1635530685/ .

A Hammer Fell in Jerusalem (Blog Like It's the End of the World 2008)

This is the first opportunity I've had to breathe all day, much less think about what is going on.

 

I'm not even at home...I'm writing this on my cell. The phone lines are swamped. Yay internet.

 

Even through the thick concrete walls of the booth, I can hear the newly-religious chanting and praising a God they didn't believe in twelve hours ago, hoping for an eleventh hour reprieve from the chair. I hate to tell ya this, but this is the thirteenth hour and we're all fucked. This is the Apocalypse and no amount of praying will stave off that which will be revealed.

We were sitting at home, I had a few hours before work and mom and I were watching teevee, when the announcement broke that a big earthquake had rocked Jerusalem. I remember thinking that was strange because I didn't know that there were many, if any, fault lines there, but was obviously wrong. I'm no scientist or geologist, y'know? But that's when the reports started getting weird...

 

For an hour, anchors in the Middle East had no words for what was happening so they let the video do the talking: shapeless forms and shadows were moving through the nighttime streets, there were explosions and screams, and panicked prayers sent up to an apparently deaf God.

 

After that first hour, I guess the producers at the news channels were worried that their viewers would start tuning out and they switched their coverage to something far more important and exciting, like an update on Brangelina's twins.

 

A couple of hours later, just as I was getting ready for work, the emergency broadcasting system was activated, but no further information was given. We went outside and saw that our neighbours were packing up their things and getting the hell out of Dodge. I tried to get someone to tell us what was going on, but no one would. Two gringas aren't worth the loss of time.

 

Inside, I could hear mom talking to Shawn over the phone. I walked back in and started to pack up bottles of water and food, whatever supplies we could carry. I heard mom close her phone then she came into the kitchen, her face pale, almost ashen, and asked her what was going on.

Shawn had told her what a couple of friends of his, who were vacationing in Jerusalem, saw. They weren't far from ground zero of the earthquake, staying at a hotel maybe five miles away. The quake woke them up, he said, and they went to their balcony and felt some kind of a shockwave. They said it was like a huge hammer had fallen.

 

After the shockwave passed, the air felt very weird. Heavy, they said, and foreign, like air that's been sealed up in a tomb for thousands and thousands of years.

 

Then they heard shrieks.

 

They told my brother that they'd never heard anything like it before, that the very sound chilled them to the bone.

 

They didn't have much more information than that. They slammed the doors of their balcony shut and ran into the bathroom to hide. He said that they said that whatever made that sound wasn't human.

 

At that point, they got cut off and Shawn made the decision to call us and tell us to get ready to go and that he'd be there to get us in half an hour.

 

When Shawn finally arrived and we were all packed up, we tried to think of someplace to go. But where do you go to outrun the Apocalypse? I thought the theatre might be a good place...or more specifically, the Projection Booth because of the concrete and the fact that you need a key to get up there. It's been about six hours since I showed up for my shift during the Apocalypse, but not to run shows. It's comfortable up here, but we can't stay here forever, not with the way the Zealots are calling for expiation. By the sounds of it, they're finding plenty of blood to spill in the name of their new Gods.

 

None of the reports I'm getting from various friends are any better. They've seen what's been Revealed, the Worlds Between Worlds. It's the Devil's playground for the next thousand years and we're His toys to do with as He sees fit...

 

© 2008 Kimyoo Films

*** This was written (on my cell phone!) for the second annual Blog Like It's the End of the World Day Friday the 13 of June, 2008. I had problems sending it from my phone to my site which is why it's WAY late in stead of just late. I did zombies last year and wanted to do something I find just as compelling and interesting: the End of Days (especially when there's religion involved, but plain ol' armageddon is good, too. By the way, if you follow that link to my LiveJournal, make sure you start from the bottom -- that would be the first Blog Like It's the End of the World post.) ***